Some of the Creepiest, Most Bizarre Vintage Toys

Not only is the Krimson Terror quite the terror, it was a kit, so you had to put it together yourself and manufacture your own haunting!

We can blame actor and ventriloquist Edgar Bergen for arguably the most inadvertently terrifying dummy ever to exist. Charlie McCarthy may have been innocent in the beginning, but then he took on a life of his own. And ventriloquist dummies shouldn’t do that.

Kobe dolls were made in the Kobe region of Japan starting in the 1890s. They’re mechanical wooden dolls with a mechanism that often made their eyes and tongues protrude like a cartoon creature seeing a pretty lady cartoon creature, or you know, like The Devil.

The motto on the front is, “Makes Colorful Harmless Sparks.” The motto on the back is, “No Really. Tooootally Harmless. We Swear.”

Little Miss No Name, the saddest, most devil-eyed doll, was available for one year, in 1965. She wore a burlap sack and guilted you into buying her by weeping and eking out horrendously sad poems, like:

“I need someone to love me.
I want to learn to play.
Please take me home with you
and brush my tear away.”

Yeah…no thanks.

The most terrifying of all terrifying toys, Jack-in-the-boxes have been making kids wet their pants since the 14th century! IN 800 YEARS, not one person has thought to say, “Hey, maybe let’s stop this!”

Crandall’s Acrobats are from 1867, the year in which all acrobats had murderous evil faces. They also came in pieces — arms, legs, torsos and heads detached in a big box — so when they crawled toward you while you were sleeping in your bed at night, it was one limb at a time.

Because if there’s one thing little kids love to play with most, it’s raw meat.

This one’s a big ol’ NOPE.

“Let’s put a clown on his stomach and let his spindly, spidery limbs chase children all over the house.”

“Great idea, psycho!”

Hugo: Man of a Thousand Faces was a blank-faced, lifelike half-man that came with different accessories, wigs, facial hair, glasses, warts, moles, etc. These were helpful so he could disguise himself after he murdered you.

This is a German toy (surprise, surprise) from around 1915. There arebellows behind the scary face that make it squeak and moves the eyes around, which doesn’t sound unsettling at all.

I’m surprised the movie Eight Legged Freaks isn’t about this doll. It would have been way scarier if it was.

This is something right out of Sid’s room in Toy Story. It’s one toy made to look that way on purpose, but it looks like mismatched pieces of different toys slapped together to scare someone’s little sister.

These guys don’t have scary, boney legs with which to creep up behind you, but they can roll. And they do. I’m sure of it.

When learning to tell the time, it’s obviously helpful to have a clock that makes you jump in fear every time you look at it.