(I work as a manager in a retail store. I have one employee who always calls in.)

Employee: *on the phone* “I cannot come in today. I am sick!”

Me: “Well, this is the seventh time this month you have been sick and the 28th time this year so far. Please provide a doctor’s note, because you have yet to bring one in.”

Employee: “It’s illegal to not let me take off sick days!”

Me: “I said bring a doctor’s note, not come into work. You are required to bring in a doctor’s note and you have not. The next time this happens without a note, you will be written up. This is the seventh time in three weeks you have called in.”

Employee: “I have a weak immune system!”

Me: “I am sure a doctor’s note will help prove that.”

Employee: ‘This is illegal!”

Me: “It is in no way illegal to require a doctor’s note. If you are this chronically ill, then urging you to get treatment would be the best course of action. I will see you tomorrow.” *hangs up*

(The next day:)

Employee: “Here, look. I said I was sick!”

Me: *looking at obviously fake doctor’s note, made on the employee’s computer* “I… really? This says to excuse you from work for two weeks because of a ‘traumitic’ illness of the ‘lunges’. Is that supposed to be ‘lungs’? And where exactly is Dr. R. McDonald in this town? I am unfamiliar with that practice.”

Employee: “Oh, uh, next town over.”

Me: “Really? Which one? Also, I would love to know where the number 555-555-5555 is located or 555 Main Street. If you are going to give me a fake doctor’s note, at least use the number and address of a friend and not a whole bunch of ‘5’s.”

Employee: “That is not fake! I demand that you give me my legally required days of! The doctor ordered it!”

Me: “I am not playing this game. You are fired.”

Employee: “You cannot do that! This is illegal!”

Me: “Really? You called in without cause for seven days this month alone, caused backups and under-staffing, now you are lying about a doctor’s note. I am sending this note to corporate and you are fired for neglecting your duties repeatedly.”

Employee: *screaming* “You cannot do this!”

Me: “Aren’t those lungs supposed to be ‘traumitically ill’? Those sure sound healthy to me. Also, I just googled the doctor, just to humor you. Do you want to guess what I found?”

Employee: *throws name tag at me, still yelling*

Me: “Great, I will add assault to the list of reasons I fired you when I talk to corporate.”