The Justice League, X-Men and Fantastic 4 are great superhero teams. But they ain’t the Avengers. If your kid asked for Avengers toys and you came back with this mishmash lineup of “Why are we even here?” heroes, it’s gonna ruin their birthday.

“Specialman” was actually the alternate working title for the film Rain Man. However, producers thought it was in bad taste. 

I don’t mean to besmirch Star Wars on the internet (I don’t want to be bombarded by a bunch of overly emotional nerds). But Stars Warsiors looks like a superior film in every imaginable category. Especially the “Does the main character look like Ralph Machio?” category.

Gotta admit, when I went into Space Boys 3 I didn’t know what I was in for. But the tale of Sheriff Grabby Hands and his intergalactic play things was better than expected. Easily my favorite horror film of the year.

Note to self: eat too much kale and carry a miniature Santa hat with you wherever you go. It’s an easy life hack to make any toilet interior feel more festive. How is saying “Happy Holidays” a bigger war on Christmas than this?

Imagine if actual police cuffs looked like this. You’d have folks with bondage kinks jaywalking all day hoping to get detained. Also, good call on that choking warning on the box. You always want to ask first if someone’s into that.

I’ve stared at this photo for about an hour, and here’s the nearest I can figure. This is a bear that swallows or spits balls when you cuddle them. I knew you could find that sort of things at bars, but not Walmarts.

This toy is brought to you by the letter “M.” “M” as in murder, muzzling, and mayhem. Isn’t learning fun, kids?

This is what happens when you put the payments on your dream house up your nose. Sure, she seems like she’s having fun now. But wait until you see “Mid-’40s Casino Lounge Lizard Belle.” This is less of a toy and more of a cautionary tale.

Pictured here is my personality. I put on a nice face for the public. But the deeper you dig into my psyche, the more nefarious, unsophisticated, and petty I become.

I’d like to think they didn’t realize what they were doing here. But the fact they included a train certainly doesn’t help their cause. The less said about this fiasco, the better.

Pop quiz: What shape is SpongeBob Squarepants? I’ll give you a hint… it’s literally in his name. If you didn’t figure it out, don’t worry. It’s not like you have to make a toy of him or anything.

This seems like poor design. But in fact, this is genius. The person who made this decision obviously wanted to show how Spider-Man would operate if web came out of him where it does on all other spiders.

This is absurd for obvious reasons. I mean… everyone knows Batman despises guns because they took his parents’ lives. So to literally turn him into one? How disrespectful.

Also, the trigger is where his wiener should be.

Well, that depends on who you ask? For instance, if you ask the balloon, I’m sure that’d be his first choice for where you could blow. This is why you should never make robot balloons sentient.

Closing your eyes doesn’t make this any less weird, Batman. I know Robin is at that tender age where he’s starting to wonder about these things. But you don’t have to physically show him how to do it, you creep.

This toy company gets it. When little girls say they want a pony, it’s not because they’re beautiful creatures with pretty hair and you can ride them. It’s because of their… well, you can see.

“No, I didn’t get you a pony. I got us a pony. Now stroke it’s hair, would you? The more you can distract it to keep them from kicking, the better.”

Ah, so this is the real reason dinosaurs went extinct. It wasn’t because of a meteor or an ice age. It’s because they were all a bunch of degenerates and were judged by their cruel dino deity.

Or maybe this is why the dinosaurs are no more. They all quit their jobs and started following the band Phish around. That’s no way to keep the species chugging along.

“Swiper, no swiping! Those are my pudding cups. Don’t make me roll after you now.”

That BDSM bear from earlier seems so much more child-friendly all of a sudden, doesn’t it? If Winnie The Pooh looked like this, Christopher Robin would be in rehab right now.

So you’re telling me if you touch me with that thing it’ll make me feel better? Yeah, I don’t think so, pal. I try the same thing on my girlfriend all the time.

Nothing coming out of an object that shape should be so doughy. If it is, seek medical attention immediately. Also, it’s not for kids (even though it sort of used to be kids).

Do you think your child doesn’t have enough trauma in their lives? Then get them a stuffed animal that won’t cheer up no matter how much they hug it. That oughtta give them unending intimacy issues.

This is the worst knockoff product I’ve seen yet.

*squints*

Wait… this is official merchandise? Go home, J.K. Rowling. You’re drunk.

Whatever Specialman has is apparently contagious. Hopefully it’s not airborne. Then again, if it’s not, that means this fish might have contracted it sexually. Yeah… let’s just hope it’s airborne.

Oh dear lord, it’s spreading. Wise Puppet from Stars Warsiors wouldn’t have fallen prey to this dummy disease. Just another reason it’s superior to the brand it’s knocking off.

This toy(?) is doing a great service to young girls. It lets them know that the beautiful princesses they look up to aren’t naturally beautiful, but had some work done. Plastic surgery… a great message to send to the children.

See, even Cinderella had rhinoplasty. It was a tough procedure. Have you ever tried performing surgery on someone while a bunch of woodland animals were singing around you?