Too soon? Only people with a sick sense of humor will find that funny.

While most people don’t need the items on the right to *perform* the action on the left, some do. Some very protective people.

I’m talking about oral sex.

God knows that you can lose sexual attraction after being with the same person for over 43 years. But beastiality? Come on, Ken. I thought you were better than that.

This isn’t wine. It’s red, grapeless bitter water. Duh.

In the most very rare circumstances, this is the card you go with. Some people are assholes, yo.

When I have a picnic, I pack sandwiches, watermelon and lemonade. But you do you.

Nice try, but you’re not even close. I guess these both could technically be summer foods, but that’s all I’m gonna give you.

You know that age-old saying, “When life gives you lemons, f**k everything and make orange juice”?

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Now clean my toilet.

That’s got a good ring to it.

Is this the state our schools are in? You need to bring a knife just to get through homeroom? Not my America.

You might be sad if you’re not in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. But you definitely don’t need to f**k yourself with a cucumber to be happy either.

I wonder what else this grocery store sells? Products that contain fruit? Products that contain eggs? When will the madness stop?

This is such a typical cat move. Cats are bullshit.

Shots. Fired.

One minute they’re learning their ABCs. The next they’re ordering their whiskey neat. So adorable.

Some people walk to the beat of their own drum. Some stores march to the beat of insanity. Strange times.