There is no limit to the variety of items sold on Amazon. Other than human organs, alcohol and guns, there aren’t too many things you CAN’T find on there, but there are also some items you might find that you wish you hadn’t. This is a list of some edible items that I just can’t fathom that anyone would actually want to eat them, but then again, I have a pretty bland diet, so if you have a craving for insects or other bizarre animal products, you know where you can find them…
Crick-ettes
Price: $8.10
Bugs are the food of the future,but if I’m going to eat crickets I think they’ll have to be covered in a lot of chocolate, not flavored with salt and vinegar.
Squid ink
Price: $13.95
I actually like squid ink pasta, even if it makes my mouth look like the Penguin from Batman Returns. But now I can enjoy my squid ink straight out of the jar with a spoon.
Bullet ice cube tray
I’m guessing there’s a version autographed by Mr. Freeze from the Batman movies.
Price: $4.99
Chinese century egg
Price: $15.89
These preserved eggs are a fairly common dish in China, but aren’t really 100 years old… but like, they might as well be.
Air-chilled whole rabbit
Price: $29.99
Trust me on this one, wild rabbits are extremely frisky and hard to catch. Once again 21st-century technology steps in to make our lives that much easier. Less fun, but easier.
50 Ways to Eat Cock by Adrienne N. Hew
Price: $13.32
And before you go to Amazon to see if there’s a book on “50 Ways to Eat Pu**y”, I already checked for you. No there isn’t.
Pre-filled communion cups (aka Eucharist Lunchables)
Price: $26.99
Here is my proposed TV jingle for the Fellowship Cup: “When you’re on the go, but need to cleanse your soul, shove a Fellowship cup, down your sinning mouth-hole.” Might need a rewrite. TBD.
50lb bulk MSG
Price: $209.09
In case you’re missing that special ingredient when you visit all the Chinese restaurants that promise “No MSG.” Bring your own bag in and spread it around generously.
The Cats Ass salt and pepper shaker set
Price: Currently unavailable
I, for one, only eat salt out of a cat’s ass. This makes it more sanitary and a lot less weird.
Caffeinated water
Price: $29.65
This just makes my brain hurt. Pick a side and stick to it, water!
Bacon lube
Price: Currently unavailable
Perfect for making bacon on the beach — if you know what I’m saying. (Sex, I’m talking about sex.)
Chocolate gun with gun case
Price: Currently unavailable
If you can’t sneak in a metal file in a cake for your loved one in prison, just give them this instead. The guards will never notice.
Canned smoked rattlesnake
Price: $23.99
I mean, how cool would it be to have to pick out pieces of dead rattlesnake from your teeth? That’s some Pecos Bill-level shit right there.
Spam Snacks
Price: $29.15
To Spam Snacks, I dedicate this simple haiku: Who would buy this stuff / Spam Snacks, disgusting, you are / Maybe Hawaii?
Canned haggis
Price: $11.39
You heard it here first: haggis is the next trendy superfood.
Giant bologna sandwich wall sticker with one bite missing
Price: $89.98
This Fathead-esque giant wall sticker of a plain bologna sandwich with a single bite missing is exactly what your man cave needs to bring it to new levels of milquetoast.
Jellyfish noodles
Price: $42.40
Pair them with squid ink for a feast fit for a horseshoe crab.
Giant bag of cereal marshmallows
Price: $10.29
You know you’d just have to fill a bowl with these and just sprinkle in a few pieces of cereal. Be sure to have your insulin handy.
Petchup, Muttstard, and Mutt-n-aise combo
Price: $27.95
Just to be clear, these are condiments for dogs. Not hot dogs. I mean they are condiments meant to be eaten by dogs. I mean, I guess you could feed your dogs hot dogs and put these on top, but that just seems a little excessive.
Kangaroo jerky
Price: $4.95
If “Foster’s” is Australian for beer then “kangaroo” must be Australian for beef, which leads me to believe Australian rodeos are absolutely insane.
Canned unicorn meat
Price: $12.81
Serve this to your 6-year old daughter to teach her a life lesson. “Everyone dies, honey, even the unicorns. But we can still eat them.”
Thanksgiving gumballs
Price: $6.50
One step closer to Wonka’s meal-replacing gum that turns people big, round, and blue. These can’t be good.
Pickle gumballs
Price: $6.33
I tell ya, it’s the fellas with pickle-scented breath that really get a gal’s attention.
Edible dehydrated zebra tarantula
Price: $24.99
Will a bite of this turn you into Zebra Spiderman? (That’s the next Marvel movie coming out.)
BONUS: One big lump of fat (replica)
Price: $18.23
So you can see exactly what all this excess tarantula and cereal marshmallows is becoming inside your body.