I think the story below is an old one but it’s amusing nonetheless. The reason it came to mind is that where I work, the pen broke on one of our debit pads and it has yet to be replaced. So there’s been a week of telling customers “Use your finger, the pen is broken” and watching them attempt to sign with their finger, which produces interesting results, especially when it’s a lady with very long fingernails. (It makes me wonder–how the hell do they text?) It seems like an exercise in futility to have them sign at all, since no one ever checks the electronic signature that pops up against the actual card anyway.

After having to explain it to everyone, I was thinking of just making a sign, but then I remembered seeing this:

Pen is broken, use finger: Funny Signs, Funny Pictures, Funny Friday, Wall Decals, Lego Wall, Little Spaces, Ellen Show, Weights Loss, Pens

I figured I’d be getting too many comments about how to fix my broken penis so skipped making the sign. Speaking of penises…

Man Makes The Staff At Walmart Lose Their Minds. This Is Genius.

Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I’m a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an a**hole.

With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn’t look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don’t review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. It could have been a stolen card.

I started out modest by signing with a line or an “X”. Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy ****, drew pictures, etc. Here’s a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:

I AM NOT KINGPIN

I STOLE THIS

**** OFF

**** YOU

WALMART SUCKS

CALL ME

CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON

MY BALLS ITCH

911

I’M A CRIMINAL

THANKS FOR THE STUFF

Today at Walmart I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:

Yes, I know, it’s not my best artwork, but I didn’t have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit “OK”, there was a pause. The register then said “COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD.” One thought popped in my head: “OH *!”

It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my drawing of a johnson and balls. The lady at the register didn’t immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said “These signatures don’t match.”

At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn’t matter. I probably didn’t make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words “he drew a penis…” as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I’m out of breath from laughing and I’m still giggling like a schoolgirl.

Manager: Sir, your signature…heh…umm…doesn’t match the signature on your card.
Me: I know and there is a good reason for that.
Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine.
**The guy behind me bursts into laughter.**
Me: Yeah, I didn’t think this would happen. I’ve been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it.
Manager: I guess you learned your lesson.
Me: Yeah, the credit card doesn’t accept penis.
**The guy behind me now can’t stop laughing.**
Manager: OK, I’m going to decline the signature and have you sign it again.
Me: Fair enough.
Manager: This time, really sign it.

So I had to sign it again and they wouldn’t let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had single handedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn’t let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew a johnson and balls as his credit card signature.

So I have a plan now. I’m going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my johnson and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really mess with them.