I have several of these products in my store and never really thought about it much, but in this day and age of gender equality and rights for all, it does seems lame to have a “boys laptop” and a “girls laptop” especially if the boys laptop costs more and has twice as many functions! And it could be the camera angle, but the “boy” gift card actually looks BIGGER than the “girls” gift card. Way to turn brother and sister against each other, Target! My sister will deny this, but if we were given those as kids she would have demanded that her card get 10% more money on it because my card was 10% bigger.
I do have to admit, I’m intrigued by the Bacon Flavored Candles. I wonder how fast Amazon can get them here.
Kitty Litter
Is this kitty litter for the male cat with extra nasty bowel movements or the human man who insists on flaunting his manly cat-owning lifestyle?! Either way, no thank you.
Pickles
Everyone knows there are boy pickles and girl pickles. What’s the big dill?
Dryer Sheets
Luckily, I never have to purchase this product because I have made it twenty-six years without ever smelling a man.
The Bible
Ahem, I know a little TV protagonist who will tell you that being a Warrior and being a Princess are in no way mutually exclusive. And then she’ll rip your legs off and beat you with them, Sheila.
Gift Cards
No matter how much money you put on the cards, the girl card is only worth 78% of the boy card.
Water
Water for women: just as watery but not as respected.
Globes
This product is great for learning answers to questions such as, “What’s the girliest continent?” and “Where in the world is gender equality?”
Trail Mix
Separate trail mix for men and women?! They’re both nuts!
Binoculars
All the better to see the intricate and multitudinous ways in which you’re getting screwed!
Soap
“Everyone Soap for Every Man” is inherently terrible, but so is using one product as shampoo, body wash and shaving cream.
Wrist Braces
Obviously, women’s dainty, glass-like wrists need to be protected in a manner that men’s braces simply can’t handle.
Toy Laptops
“For only three more dollars, you get TWICE the number of functions, 22% more battery life, and the assumption that you will present your masculinity in a ‘normal’ fashion forever and ever!”
Wet Wipes
Some advertising bro thought he was being real clever when he came up with, “Let it Rip.” His ad buddies high fived him, bought him a beer, and then he went home and wiped himself with an aloe-infused wet wipe.
Crackers
They’re exactly the same as regular cheddar Goldfish except they taste faintly of blush.
Yogurt
This yogurt is so powerful, it will give you abs and make you shiny with sweat 24/7.
Pens
Once I tried to solve a proof with these pens, but no matter how many equations and numbers I tried to write, they only formed words like “pretty,” and “makeup,” and “housewife.”
Candles
MANDLES people. Mandles. WHAT DOES MAN TOWN SMELL LIKE?! From the label, it seems like it smells like televisions?! I’m done.
Cereal
While cereal for men is entirely ludicrous, they can have anything called “Chunky Muesli.”
Ear Plugs
Men’s ear plugs drown out only the constant “complaining” and “whining” of “crazy” women who ask for “insane” things like control over their lives and bodies.
Sunscreen
Yeah! Protect your skin from the sun like a man should*. Comes with extra SPF in case you make the sun REALLY mad.
*By challenging the sun to a fist fight and calling it names like “little baby ball of fire” and “cowardly reason-there-is-life-on-Earth.”
Hammers
In case you need to hammer lady things like strings of pretty lights or nails into the coffin containing your reproductive rights.
Doughnuts
Try all the flavors! They have everything from “Privilege-Cream Filled” to “Powdered Sexism.”