These are some great customer from hell stories, especially the 4th one about the bill for the chickens (or the bills for the chickens.)
I know that some of you out there have better ones, though. I challenge you! Post your story as a comment at the end of this post and let’s see who has the best one.
Okay, here goes!
Going waaaaaay back to my early days as a shoplift agent (prior to Longs), my partner and I had been observing a female customer who was taking liberties with about $45 to $60 dollars worth of merchandise. It would seem her large handbag was actually intended to be a receptacle for soon to be stolen merchandise.
Well, as she departed the store, my partner and I, accompanied by a female witness, approached this woman (maybe 36 years old) in the parking lot. With identification in hand, we established verbal contact. “Excuse me ma’am, store security! We need to speak to you about some merchandise you have in your handbag that you failed to pay for.” She was clearly startled by my voice (rumor has it, my voice may “carry” at times). She stopped, turned towards us and look puzzled. I reiterated the reason I was speaking to her. “Ma’am, we need to talk to you about the items in your purse”! She looked at me with half indignation and what can only be described as a sudden onset of discomfort. At least this time, she responded by quickly blurting out the well thought line of, “I didn’t do anything”!
“Ma’am. you’re going to have to come back into the store with us so we can get this straightened out”!
“I told you, I didn’t do anything! I can’t go back with you, I’m sick”!
“Ma’am, I’m not asking! I’m telling you that you are going to have to come back with us so we can get this all sorted out”! My patience is beginning to wane with little miss sticky fingers, at this point.
“I told you I’m sick, I’m not going anywhere with you”! As her verbal response grows increasingly indignant, she also slowly begins to back away.
At this point, my partner moves into position in anticipation of having to physically restrain her and take her back into the store. This prompts both a tonal change in her voice and an added caveat to her story.
“Get away from me, I told you I’m sick! I [defecated] (she used a more colorful description) in my pants”!
Now, having done this for a while, you get used to the varying excuses and BS that assorted suspects come up with. Yes, we had heard this one before. Yes, it was a lie. No, this wasn’t going to deter us from doing our job!
Well, this is the point in the story where “Little Miss Sticky Fingers” earns herself a name change. Let’s just say, a new name that would better suit her would be, “Little Miss Stinky Fingers”! Yes, this lovely individual takes a step back, dives her right hand down the back of her pants and decides to prove her assertion that she has (in parental terminology), made doodie in her pants!
[WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR THOSE INDIVIDUALS WITH A WEAK CONSTITUTION]
Little Miss Stinky Fingers removes her hand from her pants and it is now packing some live, liquid ammunition. Nope, that wasn’t sufficient enough for her to prove her point. She decided there was now a need to emphasize her point. In a hand action, reminiscent of a world class towel snap, she whips that hand forward then back and lets loose with a volley of “Shoplift Agent Kryptonite”! It connects, as if it were a guided missile, with my partner who was directly in harms way. The front of his pants and tops of his shoes were apparently her intended target and she hit the bullseye!
It’s about this point in time that our employee, female witness, loses her lunch right there in the parking lot. People, that had gathered near the entrance when they saw the developing confrontation, let out a collective groan that almost sounded like rehearsed synchronization. As for me, being the kind hearted, sympathetic individual I am … Well, I let out the expected, “ewwwwwwwwww” as I then performed what can only be described as my “heebeejeebee” dance.
My partner, standing there frozen, refusing to look down at the new bling added to his clothing was speechless.
Now, as I would hope you are all wondering, one must wonder what was to become of Little Miss Sticky/Stinky fingers? Well, she successfully got away with shoplifting! There was NO WAY either of us were going to approach or engage her any further. We told her to get the hell away from us and she had better run (no potty pun intended). Gee, for a sick woman, she took off in a flash … running!
So yes, I now have the ability to honestly say, “I scared the $hit out of someone”! Another proud Thompson moment, to be sure!
This was just one of my many customers from hell, throughout a 30+ years career!
P.S. Both partner and female witness (employee) were able to later laugh about the incident.
Ok I nearly lost my lunch ( well, almost spit it out) from laughing so hard at that story. Priceless!! Plus, now we all know how to evade capture after shoplifting. Just pre-poop. Of course we don’t chase shoplifters any more, so I guess the preparation would be unnecessary…