Came across this on Guff and had to share it. Back in the day it was legal to advertise cigarettes and some of them are quite amazing when you look at them now. I especially love the one where some “doctor” says that smoking is good for you. And if you think these are bad, you should see some of the TV ads they used to run…
1. Parents Just Don’t Understand
When your kids give you a carton of smokes on your special day, it’s not because they love you. It’s because they want to get rid of you without getting arrested for it. Kids are sneaky like that.
2. Too Vague
I don’t get the sexual innuendo. It’s too subtle, something cigarette companies are totally known for. Can someone please explain it to me?
3. False Advertising
The guy obviously has no clue how to play the trombone. He’s not holding it right. Hell, he’s not even playing it! And yet she’s grooving along like he’s a virtuoso. This might be the first case of tobacco companies lying to us and, frankly, I am shocked.
4. Offensive, Part One
Cause all women loves sweets, want to be skinny, and wear that much blush. That is just a jab, reverse, hook of ridiculousness.
5. Offensive, Part Two
And here comes the uppercut for the ridiculousness knockout! Now they’ve added “rich” to the equation. Because sure, thin is important, but thin and rich? That is crucial. You know what also is crucial? Not developing emphysema.
6. That Familiar, Inferior Feeling
But what if I don’t like my pleasure big? What if the pleasure I enjoy is merely adequate? Does that mean my satisfaction won’t be man-sized? Stop trying to make me feel less manly, Sinatra!!
7. Healthier to Smoke the Lies
“I do not listen to facts, but I do smoke them. I smoke them down to the filter and then I eat the filter. But they’re still facts so that makes me super smart.”
8. Teeth More Yellow Than Buttered Bread
This dentist also recommends eating peanut brittle for breakfast and firmly believes that flossing will actually erode your teeth. Still, we should listen to him. After all, he is a “doctor.”
9. But How Long Were They in Labor?
Of course. Birthing a child, creating a new cigarette – the same. No difference. Way to compare your bottom line to a mother giving life, Phillip Morris. Bravo.
10. Santa Goes Through at Least a Pack a Day
It’s okay. Don’t be offended. Santa really doesn’t smoke…
Because there is no Santa.
Because there is no Santa.
Sorry. Did I need to put a spoiler alert? My bad.
11. Those First Signs of Spring
Ahh, nothing says “springtime” like the smell of fresh rain, flowers blooming, and cigarette smoke being blown right into your nostrils. It smells like life renewing… and then dying again.
12. Good Common Sense
You know what else will make your throat less irritating? NOT SMOKING. You know, there’s always that.
13. I’m Just Spitballing Here
Marlboro Exec: “Yeah, sales are good, but can I be frank? It’s taking way too long to kill off our customers. Now, I’m just spitballing here, but how about instead of giving each and every single person cancer, let’s just give the actual planet Earth cancer! We’ll streamline our productivity by forty percent. Boom goes the dynamite!”
14. JV Smoking
No one should be smoking (ever), but if you are knowingly not inhaling when you smoke, then why are you smoking in the first place? That’s kind of the whole point of smoking. Stop being a poser, toss the cig away and eat a carrot. Or a cookie. Yeah, definitely a cookie.
15. Can I Be a ‘Medical Specialist,’ Too?
I have just decided that I am now Guff’s official “medical specialist.” No, I’m not a doctor. I am a “medical specialist.” And as a “medical specialist” I have observed that spending an hour or more per day on our website has been known to improve vision, remove cellulite, and gives you the ability to fly. That is my “medical” opinion.
16. This Was What Equal Rights Was For
Never mind the right to vote. Forget about equal pay. This is what women’s rights were all about. The right to smoke a cigarette after dinner without looking unfeminine.
17. For the Athlete Deep Inside You
It’s almost as if his over-sized self is chasing his fit, athletic self. And the only thing that can save him? Yup. Coffin Nails.
18. But Dogs Aren’t as Stupid as People
Normally, dogs doing anything even remotely human is adorable. In this case, not so much. Shame on you, Old Gold. And shame on you for putting these two in those awful-looking dog collars. That may be the true crime here.
19. The ‘Brilliance’ Is in the ‘Design’
Because trying to pull a cigarette out of a regular pack is so taxing. (Probably because your lungs are shriveled and black.) Now you can get to your cancer sticks quicker and easier. Science is amazing!
20. A Match Made in Smokey Heaven
So she won’t eat fortune cookies and he won’t read them. That is a weirdly, perfect relationship and these two are lucky that they found each other. Godspeed, you two. Godspeed.
21. So Close to 100% Cool
Everything – EVERYTHING – about this ad is incredibly, ridiculously cool. Except the cigarette. The cigarette ruins all the coolness that this guy is rocking.
22. Cause I Cannot Think for Myself
“Yeah, I almost quit smoking cause, you know, for health reasons. But then the good people at True Cigarettes told me not to. And they are smarter than me. So now I smoke even more. Thanks, True!!”