Two Customers, Two Rounds Of Utter Stupidity

These 2 stories are a little long, but might make you feel better even if you work in traditional retail and not in a bank.  They have to deal one-on-one with people who sometimes seriously don’t have a clue how things work.  Wait a second, so do we!  Enjoy his day about Moron and Retard, I know you’ve had a few of those days yourself.




When you work in retail, you know you are going to get the occasional stupid customer. But sometimes, in retail banking, you can meet people so utterly stupid that you wonder if they ever forget to breathe.

Customers can be known for their utter stupidity sometimes. Some people say “There are no stupid questions”, but that’s stupid. There are tons of stupid questions you will be asked daily if you work in retail.

But yesterday, I had two customers that truly attempted to set the stupidity bar higher. Or lower. I’m not sure.

Either way, if I had to make a top ten list of my stupidest customers that I’ve dealt with in all my ten years of banking (not nastiest customers, or most unruly, or worst customers, or anything like that. Just straight out stupidest), then I can show you two customers that I took yesterday who are certainly contenders for that list.

Two customers that I took in a row. They must have escaped from the same mental hospital.

These are people who literally don’t want the bank to safeguard their money and don’t want to take control of their own finances.

1) “But What About My Right To Privacy!?”

The first customer was an older man, maybe in his 70’s, who sat down at my desk. He told me he had a general question about his debit card.

He took a cross-country trip to multiple states recently. When he used his debit card, it was declined because he had no money. Our debit card department called him to verify that the transaction was attempted by him and not an unauthorized party. He confirmed it and went about his day. When he went to another state, it happened again, causing him “great embarrassment”.

His question to me was how to avoid stuff like this happening in the future.

Alright, a reasonable question. My first question to him, in order to get to the bottom of what happened, was whether he let the bank know that he was traveling before he used his debit card.

He did not.

Alright, fine. I don’t expect people to know every best banking practice out there. That’s what I’m here for (both as an employee and as the Angry Retail Banker, whose blog is so awesome that you should read it everyday and share it with all your friends. Wink wink). So I explain to the customer how to notify the bank of your travel plans. For those of you who don’t know, when you travel, you need to let the bank know. This way, they don’t block your debit card transactions. You need to tell them where you’re going and what dates you’re going.

This is where the man’s serious case of the stupids comes out.

He starts getting angry, telling me that he has the absolute right to go anywhere he wants in the world without telling the bank. It’s his money and he could use it however he sees fit.

Um, yes you do have to have to let the bank know that you are going away. It’s how the bank protects your account. Because, otherwise, how does the bank know that the transactions that are suddenly popping up in Thailand are yours and not the result of an online hacker or someone who took your card information from a skimming device?

I tell him this and he reacts as if I just said that my favorite historical figure was Hitler.

When I tell him to think about it logically, he interrupts me to tell me to think about it logically!

“Oh really?” [Photo courtesy of]

“Did I make a claim?” he asks snottily. “No! So why is the bank suddenly blocking my transactions because they’re ‘suspicious’?”

I could have sworn that we already went over that, but I’ll explain it again. The bank has an obligation to monitor your transactions, Moron. Just because you didn’t put in a claim means nothing. The bank does what it can to stop unauthorized transactions before they come out of your account. If you’re at the point where you’re putting in a claim, that means that you’re money has already been stolen and you might get it back weeks later.

“I have the right to privacy!” Moron exclaims. “Do I not have the right to go wherever I want without telling the bank where I’m going and how I’m spending my money? It’s my money and I don’t have to ask anyone for permission!”

Okay, don’t go all libertarian on me. I am well versed in libertarian philosophy. Probably more so than you. Moron, you are no libertarian. And nobody said that you needed to ask permission from the bank to buy certain items. Just to let them know where you are so that they don’t think that your transactions are fraudulent.

So now Moron is starting to grate on me. And so I explain to him, “Listen, you have the right to do whatever you want with your debit card. If you want to take a trip to, say, Pakistan, you can use your debit card there without telling the bank. It’s your right. But your card is going to be blocked. I don’t know what else you want me to tell you. Because any bank that is doing even a moderate amount of the most basic due diligence is going to do that. I shouldn’t have to explain why to you because it’s self-explanatory, and because I already explained it to you. If a bank finds a transaction to be suspicious–even because of geography–it’s going to stop that transaction from going through because it’s not going to risk a fraudster stealing your money. That’s that. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

“Well, it looks like I’m going to have to go to court to get this manner resolved,” says Moron in that shrugging-but-threatening kind of way.

“Go to court?”

“Yes, to get the banks to stop this practice,” he answers. “It’s a violation of my rights.”

I look at him and ask, “You don’t really know how the courts work, do you? You know that they’re not going to do that. But good luck. Come back to me and let me know how that goes.”

Even the characters of Night Court wouldn’t take you seriously. [Photo courtesy of Warner Bros.]

I don’t think I’ll ever see Moron again. Good riddance.

2) “I Can’t Take Control Of My Own Finances! I’m Only A Grown Adult!”

So my next customer is a man in his mid-50’s to lower 60’s, wearing a suit no less. He has some debit card questions.

After answering his questions, he asks for his balance. When I give it to him, he says that $2,000 is missing.

He looks over a printed statement that I give him, and tells me that there was $2,000 worth of money transferred without his permission out of his account via online banking.

Now, he has two checking accounts and a savings account. All of them are individual accounts. The transfers are from one checking account with a higher balance that was opened in the middle of 2016 to his other account which has a lower balance but way more transactions.

So, okay, some with no access to either account went online and transferred money. Seems to be a very weird way to commit identity theft.

He points to the banker next to me and goes, “I specifically told her that I don’t want these accounts linked!”

Okay, are we going there, Retard? Is Retard seriously going there? Because I know the banker he’s pointing to would have explained that accounts are added to your online banking automatically. We don’t do anything with your online banking.

He then explains that he wanted to keep this checking account a secret from his wife, and that it had to be his wife taking his money and buying stuff that they don’t need.

Alright, but she’s not on any of these accounts. So I’m confused as to what difference that would make, or how she would………….Oh lord, I know where this is going.

“Does your wife know your online banking credentials?” I ask.

“Yes! I gave them to her!” replies Retard. “She handles my bill payments and all my finances!”

“Well, let’s change your online banking credentials so that your wife can’t get access to your account.”

“Oh no, I can’t do that,” he replies. “How am I supposed to pay my bills otherwise?”

“Well,” I say to this grown adult, “maybe you should take control of your finances. Pay your own bills and manage your own money rather letting someone else do it. Someone who makes unauthorized transactions from your account.”

Great suggestion, right?

Not to him. He can’t do that! Only his wife has the capability of paying the bills.

Rather than take anything resembling basic adult financial responsibility, he wants to blame the bank because we apparently made his money vulnerable to others to take.

"No sir, I'm not crying. I'm just reevaluating my life choices." [Photo courtesy of Dominic Castillo Dominic at]
“No sir, I’m not crying. I’m just reevaluating my life choices.” [Photo courtesy of Dominic Castillo Dominic at]

This is despite the fact that he is the only signer on his account and he gave his online banking credentials to an unauthorized third party (yes, your wife is an unauthorized third party. Ladies, your husband is an unauthorized third party. An unauthorized third party includes every human being on the planet that isn’t you). Instead of taking responsibility for his own life (by simply changing his online password and paying his own goddamn bills), he wants to close his account and go to “another bank”.

Alright, fine. He just tells me to close the checking account that his wife isn’t supposed to have access to (despite the fact that all his accounts are accounts his wife shouldn’t have access to). Despite the fact that it’s over $8,000, we end up giving him cash instead of a check after he throws a stinky stink.

What’s funny is that when I bring the bills over to him and tell him to give it a count to make sure it’s counted correctly, he tells me “I trust you.”

Really? Thanks, but isn’t that how you got into trouble in the first place, you f***ing idiot?

Afterwards, he asks me if his wife would have access to the savings account. Would she be able to transfer money to the still-existing checking account to close it?

Seriously, Retard? You don’t ever check your online banking yourself? Because you’d know that anyone with access to the online banking would have access to the savings.

I tell Retard that it is the case and recommend that he change his online banking credentials. Nope, he wants to close out his $2,000+ savings account.

Which means the teller is doing a manual CTR (Currency Transaction Report, triggered whenever someone deposits/withdraws more than $10,000 in cash in a single day).

Whatever, the report is sent to the IRS. Retard didn’t want a bank check because he doesn’t have a bank account elsewhere. He asked if he could cash the bank check out with the teller after I gave it to him and I told him absolutely not (why would we give you a bank check and then just cash it?) and then complained that it’s his own money and that he shouldn’t have to pay a check cashing place a fee to cash it.

I wonder whose money it really is. Seems like it belongs to your wife now, Retard!

I hope the IRS sends armed men to bust down his door or something. After all, don’t we call the police whenever you withdraw cash?

Anyhoo, as if this guy possessed the psychological need for me to doubt that he isn’t stealing his wife’s money, he asks me a question about a totally different topic.

Retard just sold his car, but the check from the insurance company was made out to his wife. How does he go about cashing it?

I suggest having the maker reissue the check to him, but he says they won’t do that. I ask Retard why the check is made out to his wife.

“Because the car was under my wife’s name,” answers Retard.

“So it’s your wife’s car,” I said.


“And it’s your wife’s money.”

A slight nod from him.

“I think you know the answer to your question,” I tell him.

What a Retard.


Customers are stupid.

These two idiots, whom I had back to back, might well be two of the stupidest human beings I’ve ever dealt with in my ten years of banking.

I can’t even remember all the stupidity I’ve ever dealt with. Are they in the top ten stupidest customers? I………..I think…….?

And after everything, I must thank them.

I thank them because without idiots like Moron and Retard, this blog wouldn’t exist. Angry Retail Banker would just be a retail banker who is angry, and the site itself would be nothing. Maybe just another bland basic finance site that tells you how to budget by opening a savings account, but most likely there wouldn’t be anything.

Thanks, Moron and Retard!