I’m not much of a coffee drinker so have managed to avoid the Starbucks Addiction that many people seem to have. I wonder how many of them do the math and figure out how much they’re spending a year there just for a cup of coffee (and occasional pastry.) Well, at least they have free Wi-Fi, right?
From having to be stuck in line behind someone making the most complicated order imaginable, to the unending soundtrack of Norah Jones songs, there’s a lot of experiences to be had at Starbucks. But sometimes, those experiences can be, as the Internet likes to call it, a struggle.
1. First of All, WHICH STARBUCKS DO I CHOOSE?!
There are so many — one might call it too many — Starbucks’ to choose from. The trick is to figure out which one will be the least crowded. Just kidding, they’re all crowded and you’re screwed.
2. You Have to Experience All Types of Humanity
Starbucks attracts all types of customers. Soccer moms, CEOs, Sorority girls, bird men…no seriously, bird men. The man wants a coffee, the bird just wants to work on his screenplay.
3. They’ll Never, Ever Get Your Name Right
My name is Eileen. But at Starbucks, my name is Ellen, Ilene, Ellaine, Allun, Eilyne and a half-drawn squiggle.
4. The Prices…Oh the Prices!
We know it’s overpriced. And yet, here we are. Here we are.
5. You’re Surrounded By So Many “Serious Writers”
It’s one thing to bring your laptop and write in a coffee shop. It’s another to take up an entire seat with just your tower computer. I guess this order is being made to-go.
6. Want a Pastry? Get Ready to Eat 314,213,894 Calories
The pumpkin bread is SO GOOD. It’s also the same amount of calories as, say, an entire lunch. Only it’s less filling. Please send #prayers.
7. Your Coffee Snob Friends Look Down at You
“You know you can get better coffee for way cheaper at X, Y and Z places.”
“I know but what about if I’m at the airport!?”
8. People Freak Out Over the Holiday Cups
If it’s Christmastime and the Starbucks holiday cups aren’t “Christmasy” enough, people lose their minds, like they did over the holiday cups in 2015. Even though their cups were, you know, Christmas colors. Not good enough, apparently.
9. And That’s Not the ONLY Holiday Thing People Freak Out Over
In 2015 the Internet decided that this adorable cookie of a polar bear wearing a scarf was actually a polar bear that had its throat slit open. But the thing is, those cookies weren’t even for sale. Starbucks stopped selling them years ago, and the Internet was once again getting offended over nothing.
10. Sometimes the Baristas Have Sick Senses of Humor
Space Jam was just okay? Just okay!?!
That’s it. I will never drink another cup of coffee for as long as I live.