Things Every Kid Wanted in Their Easter Baskets

Let’s start with the basics: Your Easter basket wasn’t worth its weight in licorice unless it came filled with that weird colored “grass,” ideally purchased from the Dollar Store. The more harmful to the environment, the better.

Now that you have that grassy foundation, you need to add some eggs. Sure, these are just basic milk chocolate candies, but wrap them in some colorful foil, and they suddenly become special. Never mind that they’re probably repurposed, unsold candy footballs from the Super Bowl.

Now we’re talking. The Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg has been scientifically proven to have among the best peanut butter-to-chocolate ratios of all the Reese’s candies. If you didn’t get at least one of these in your basket, your parents didn’t love you.

This might be a point of contention, because not every kid possesses the sophisticated palette to appreciate the taste of Whoppers. But if you were a malted milk ball fan, then there’s nothing like getting a fresh batch of these in your basket. And if they aren’t your thing… I’ll trade you all my black jelly beans for a carton of Robin Eggs.

(…Heh. Sucker.)

Yes, I know they taste exactly the same as the regular M&M’s and yes, I know they’re twice as expensive…but look at the colors!

Why is Easter seemingly the No. 1 holiday for intricately-molded chocolates on a stick? They always taste kind of stale, and the second you bite into one it crumbles off the stick. Still, though, you’d better believe there will be at least one of these poking out of your basket on Easter morning.

Some people think the homemade paper butterfly wings for Smarties rolls is a Valentine’s day treat. To them I say: Do you see many butterflies in February? No. Butterflies equal spring. Spring equals Easter. End of story.

Now we’re getting into the really good stuff. Why every other chocolate doesn’t have a thick outer shell like these babies, I’ll never know. If only Cadbury sold them year-round.

And as long as we’re on the topic of Cadbury, we’ve gotta talk about the Creme Eggs. As a kid, if there weren’t at least five of these in your basket, I believe you were legally entitled to flip the table. It’s just a shame that Cadbury keeps insisting on shrinking the things every year.

Enjoy them while they’re fresh, kids, because approximately two minutes after opening, these chicks become stale and inedible. No trouble, though. That just means you’ll have to eat the entire sleeve right now. Easy peasy.

Now we’re into the classic Easter basket item. And as long as the jelly beans are Starburst or Jolly Rancher brand, you’re fine. And if they’re Brach’s? Well, there’s always next year…

You know what? Forget everything we just said. Who cares about a half-handful of old jelly beans? What you want is cold hard cash. Coins are OK, but bills are better. C’mon, Mom and Dad. Don’t cheap out on us.

There’s nothing more disappointing than biting into a giant chocolate bunny only to find out that, much like my first marriage, it’s completely hollow. Go solid chocolate or go home.

Every year, Sweet Tarts releases a special Easter edition of their candies shaped like chicks and bunnies, and every year it makes us say, “Oooh yeah. Those exist.”

And lastly, the most amazing Easter miracle of all: the spare candy that got shuffled to the bottom. Finding these when you think you’re all out of treats is like a second Easter morning all over again, only this time you don’t have to dress in khaki pants and sit through church.