{"id":2043,"date":"2016-08-18T08:20:28","date_gmt":"2016-08-18T15:20:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=2043"},"modified":"2016-08-18T08:20:28","modified_gmt":"2016-08-18T15:20:28","slug":"15-devices-from-your-nightmares-masquerading-as-beauty-products","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=2043","title":{"rendered":"15 Devices From Your Nightmares Masquerading As \u201cBeauty Products\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u00a0 \u00a0It seems like most of these incredibly scary devices are from the Japan Trend Shop, which tells me that Japanese people must be very uptight about their appearance, because who else would try putting any of these items to work on their body? \u00a0 \u00a0I think most of these were devised by plastic surgeons trying to drum up some business from the people who try these things and do permanent damage to their vital areas.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 I’m pretty sure that the eye-whitening drops are being used by pot smokers and drug users when they have to work the morning right after a long night of indulging. \u00a0 There is a product we carry called Rohto Eye Drops, it’s almost $35.00 a bottle and it is rarely purchased, but often stolen. \u00a0I could never figure out why until someone told me it has a reputation on the streets among substance abusers as the best drops to make you look, well, less stoned.<\/p>\n

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1.<\/span> Breast Lift Pads ($323<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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\"Breast<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> If they\u2019re trying to insinuate that big-ass donuts will give you bigger boobs, I am living proof that this method works.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> I don\u2019t always blur my nipples, but when I do, it\u2019s because I am embarrassed of them and not the huge ham radios on my chest.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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2.<\/span> Double-Chin Slimmer ($15.50<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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\"Double-Chin<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Kristin:<\/b> OK, so you stick this under your chin, and then nod a lot. It\u2019s called \u201cneck training.\u201d NECK TRAINING.<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> Prettttty sure holding a penis pump-type thing under your chin all day is a tad more distracting than just having a double chin in the first place.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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3.<\/span> Surgery-Free Nose Job Clip ($6.96<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Chrissy:<\/b> Greg, stop stealing my chip clips goddamn it.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> Here\u2019s how you get a surgery-free nose job!
\nStep 1: Clip it on your nose
\nStep 2: Suffocate
\nStep 3: You don\u2019t need a nose job anymore<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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4.<\/span> Body Hair Thinner ($37<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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\"Body<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> \u201cFor those moments when you want to look like just a slight whisper of a man.\u201d \u2014 Their slogan, probably.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> Current mood: The face it looks like this comb is making when you tilt your head to the right.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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5.<\/span> Under-Eye Skin Tightener ($104<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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\"Under-Eye<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> AKA vibrators that you pretend are for your face.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> I mean, if the goal is to make your eyes look less stressed, thennnnnnn that\u2019s one way to accomplish it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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6.<\/span> Light Energy Pulsation Wrinkle-Reducer Mask ($103.33<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Kristin:<\/b> This product literally comes with a VHS INSTRUCTION TAPE, so presumably you have to give it to someone else before 7 days is up or else you die.<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> *prays there\u2019s no Amazon review from a dude named Michael Myers*<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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7.<\/span> Nose Pore Blocker ($46<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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<\/div>\n

\"Nose<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> This is like those Groucho Marx nose glasses minus everything fun.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> I\u2019m no pore doctor, but does this just trap the oil your body naturally makesinside<\/i> your pores? This feels like a \u201cthe call is coming from inside the house\u201d type of situation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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8.<\/span> Do-It-Yourself Back Hair Shaver ($34.95<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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<\/div>\n

\"Do-It-Yourself<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> A terrible gift for your single friends.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> \u266b Mow, mow, mow your back\/with a giant blade\/hope you don\u2019t shave off a mole\/please don\u2019t buy this product \u266b<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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9.<\/span> Jawline-Enhancing Facial Weights ($29.99<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Kristin:<\/b> The point of this is to reduce your double chin by\u2026doing some lifts with face weights? I feel like that\u2019s like getting thicker hair by enrolling your hair in CrossFit.<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> Holy shit, is this model being held hostage? IS THIS A CRY FOR HELP?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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10.<\/span> Breast Enhancer Massager ($5.79<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Kristin:<\/b> How exactly does this make your boobs bigger? By plowing them so that you can plant more boob seeds or something?<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> Hot tip: If massaging your boobs made them bigger, the entire planet would have DDDs by now.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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11.<\/span> Arm Slimming Shaper ($3.47<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amazon \/ Via amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Chrissy:<\/b> The logic that wearing a random-ass half-sock on your bicep is better than your \u201cunsightly\u201d arm is truly horrifying.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> I for one am very seduced by blood pressure measuring cups, Chrissy.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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12.<\/span> Eye-Whitening Drops ($21.30<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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As Seen On TV \/ Via asseenontv.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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As Seen On TV \/ Via asseenontv.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Kristin:<\/b> So, do these eye whitening drops also come with a complimentary version of Photoshop?<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> Finally, a way to look as dead as I feel inside.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> Or at least like an American Girl doll.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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13.<\/span> Pelvis-Tightening Belt ($43<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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\"Pelvis-Tightening<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> It\u2019s like a lil\u2019 bow for your vag, which TBH is one of the greatest gifts to this world.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> You\u2019re not fooling me, pelvic belt, I know you\u2019re sleep Spanx.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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14.<\/span> Forehead Wrinkle Vacuum ($31<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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\"Forehead<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Kristin:<\/b> Can we stop punishing women for aging? This is basically a scarlet letter for your face, except it\u2019s actually a Benjamin Button.<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> Oh cool, a piece of plastic to suck out all those years of bad decisions.<\/p>\n

Kristin:<\/b> Also, serious question: If it\u2019s powerful enough to undo decades of expressing normal human emotion, isn\u2019t it also powerful enough to give you a big suction cup mark on your face?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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15.<\/span> Beauty Voice Trainer ($59<\/a>):<\/h2>\n
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<\/div>\n

\"Beauty<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Japan Trend Shop \/ Via japantrendshop.com<\/a><\/div>\n

Kristin:<\/b> This is actually a tool to train your singing voice, which is legit, but it\u2019s being marketed her as a \u201cbeauty gadget,\u201d which, like, we\u2019re not here to give you free beautiful concerts all the time, patriarchy.<\/p>\n

Chrissy:<\/b> Because there weren\u2019t enough things to make women feel insecure about!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0It seems like most of these incredibly scary devices are from the Japan Trend Shop, which tells me that Japanese people must be very uptight about their appearance, because who else would try putting any of these items to work on their body? \u00a0 \u00a0I think most of these were devised by plastic surgeons Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2043","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retail-humor"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2043","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2043"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2043\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2050,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2043\/revisions\/2050"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2043"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2043"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2043"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}