{"id":1906,"date":"2016-05-13T07:10:49","date_gmt":"2016-05-13T14:10:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=1906"},"modified":"2016-05-13T07:10:49","modified_gmt":"2016-05-13T14:10:49","slug":"the-24-weirdest-food-items-you-can-buy-on-amazon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=1906","title":{"rendered":"The 24 Weirdest Food Items You Can Buy on Amazon"},"content":{"rendered":"

There is no limit to the variety of items sold on Amazon. \u00a0 Other than human organs, alcohol and guns, there aren’t too many things you CAN’T find on there, but there are also some items you might find that you wish you hadn’t. \u00a0This is a list of some edible items that I just can’t fathom that\u00a0anyone would actually want to eat them, but then again, I have a pretty bland diet, so if you have a craving for insects or other bizarre animal products, you know where you can find them…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Crick-ettes<\/p>\n

Crick-ettes<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong>\u00a0$8.10<\/a>
\nBugs are the food of the future<\/a>,but if I’m going to eat crickets I think they’ll have to be covered in a lot of chocolate, not flavored with salt and vinegar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Squid ink<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $13.95<\/a>
\nI actually like squid ink pasta, even if it makes my mouth look like the Penguin from\u00a0Batman Returns<\/em>. But now I can enjoy my squid ink straight out of the jar with a spoon.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Jollylife<\/p>\n

Bullet ice cube tray<\/h2>\n

I’m guessing there’s a version autographed by Mr. Freeze from the Batman movies.<\/p>\n

Price: \u00a0$4.99<\/p>\n

\"Chinese<\/p>\n

Chinese century egg<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $15.89<\/a>
\nThese preserved eggs are a fairly common dish in China, but aren’t really 100 years old… but like, they might as well be.<\/p>\n

Air-chilled whole rabbit<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $29.99<\/a>
\nTrust me on this one, wild rabbits are extremely frisky and hard to catch. Once again 21st-century technology steps in to make\u00a0our lives that\u00a0much easier. Less fun, but easier.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

50 Ways to Eat Cock\u00a0<\/em>by Adrienne N. Hew<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $13.32<\/a>
\nAnd before you go to Amazon to see if there’s a book on “50 Ways to Eat Pu**y”, \u00a0I already checked for you. \u00a0No there isn’t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Fellowship<\/p>\n

Pre-filled communion cups (aka Eucharist Lunchables)<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $26.99<\/a>
\nHere is my proposed TV jingle for the Fellowship Cup: “When you’re on the go, but need to cleanse your soul, shove a Fellowship cup, down your sinning mouth-hole.<\/em>” Might need a rewrite. TBD.<\/p>\n

50lb\u00a0bulk MSG<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $209.09<\/a>
\nIn case you’re missing that special ingredient when you visit all the Chinese restaurants that promise “No MSG.” \u00a0Bring your own bag in and spread it around generously.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Cats Ass salt and pepper shaker set<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong>\u00a0Currently unavailable<\/a>
\nI, for one, only eat salt out of a cat’s ass. This makes it more sanitary and a lot less weird.<\/p>\n

Caffeinated water<\/h2>\n

Price: <\/strong>$29.65<\/a>
\nThis just makes my brain hurt. Pick a side and stick to it, water<\/a>!<\/p>\n

\"Baconlube-<\/p>\n

Bacon lube<\/h2>\n

Price: <\/strong>Currently unavailable<\/a>
\nPerfect for making bacon on the beach — if you know what I’m saying. (Sex, I’m talking about sex.)\"Chocolate<\/p>\n

Chocolate gun with gun case<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> Currently unavailable<\/a>
\nIf you can’t sneak in a metal file in a cake for your loved one in prison, just give them this instead. \u00a0The guards will never notice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Canned<\/p>\n

Canned smoked rattlesnake<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $23.99<\/a>
\nI mean, how cool would it be to have to pick out pieces of dead rattlesnake from your teeth? That’s some Pecos Bill-level shit right there.<\/p>\n

Spam Snacks<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $29.15<\/a>
\nTo Spam Snacks, I dedicate this simple haiku:\u00a0Who would buy this stuff \/\u00a0Spam Snacks, disgusting, you are \/\u00a0Maybe Hawaii?<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Caledonian<\/p>\n

Canned haggis<\/h2>\n

Price:\u00a0<\/strong>$11.39<\/a>
\nYou heard it here first: haggis is the next trendy\u00a0superfood<\/a>.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Giant bologna sandwich wall sticker with one bite missing<\/h2>\n

Price<\/strong>: <\/strong>$89.98<\/a>
\nThis Fathead-esque giant wall sticker of a plain bologna sandwich with a single bite missing is exactly what your man cave needs to bring it to new levels of milquetoast.<\/p>\n

Jellyfish noodles<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $42.40<\/a>
\nPair them with squid ink for a feast fit for a horseshoe crab.<\/p>\n

\"Hoosier<\/p>\n

Giant bag of cereal marshmallows<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $10.29<\/a>
\nYou know you’d just have to fill a bowl with these and just sprinkle in a few pieces of cereal. \u00a0 Be sure to have your insulin handy.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Petchup, Muttstard, and Mutt-n-aise combo<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $27.95<\/a>
\nJust to be clear, these are condiments for dogs. Not hot dogs. I mean they are condiments meant to be eaten by dogs. I mean, I guess you could feed your dogs hot dogs and put these on top, but that just seems a little excessive.<\/p>\n

\"Kangaroo<\/p>\n

Kangaroo jerky<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $4.95<\/a>
\nIf “Foster’s” is Australian for beer then “kangaroo” must be Australian for beef, which leads me to believe Australian rodeos are absolutely insane.<\/p>\n

\"Think<\/p>\n

Canned unicorn meat<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $12.81<\/a>
\nServe this to your 6-year old daughter to teach her a life lesson. \u00a0“Everyone dies, honey, even the unicorns. \u00a0But we can still eat them.”<\/p>\n

\"Thanksgiving<\/p>\n

Thanksgiving gumballs<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $6.50<\/a>
\nOne step closer to Wonka’s meal-replacing gum that turns people big, round, and blue. These can’t be good.<\/p>\n

Pickle gumballs<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $6.33<\/a>
\nI tell ya, it’s the fellas with pickle-scented breath that really get a gal’s attention.\"Edible<\/p>\n

Edible dehydrated zebra tarantula<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $24.99<\/a>
\nWill a bite of this turn you into Zebra Spiderman? (That’s the next Marvel movie coming out.)<\/p>\n

\"Nasco<\/p>\n

BONUS: One big lump of fat (replica)<\/h2>\n

Price:<\/strong> $18.23<\/a>
\nSo you can see exactly what all this excess tarantula and cereal marshmallows is becoming inside your body.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is no limit to the variety of items sold on Amazon. \u00a0 Other than human organs, alcohol and guns, there aren’t too many things you CAN’T find on there, but there are also some items you might find that you wish you hadn’t. \u00a0This is a list of some edible items that I just Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1906","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retail-humor"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1906","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1906"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1906\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1919,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1906\/revisions\/1919"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1906"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1906"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1906"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}