Alright, Disney, we get it: There’s a new Star Wars film\u00a0coming out. Star Wars:The Force Awakensopens in movie\u00a0theaters around the world on Friday, December 18, and if you haven’t seen any advertisement for the film, you probably haven’t been outside in the past six months.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n It has been 10 years since the last installment of the\u00a0franchise was released, and over 30 years since the original movie hit theaters. Suffice it to say, people are excited.\u00a0Star Wars fans have been lining up outside the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood since Saturday, December 5, more than two weeks before the The Force Awakens will debut.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n From bus stops to billboards, ads for the long-awaited\u00a0sequel are everywhere, but Disney is seriously starting to go overboard with the movie’s merchandising. Star Wars oranges, really? \u00a0We’ve got a bad feeling about this<\/a>\u00a0…\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n It’s common knowledge that all stormtroopers power their blasters with Duracell batteries. Not even the smartest engineers in the Star Wars\u00a0universe were able to solve the galaxy’s energy problems.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
1. Batteries<\/h2>\n
2. Mascara<\/h2>\n\n
Those weren’t tattoos on Darth Maul’s face, they were carefully drawn mascara lines. No wonder he always spent so long in the bathroom…<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/cwj2afxwoaascol\")
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3. Apples<\/h2>\n\n
An apple a day keeps the Sith lord away. Unless your name is Luke Skywalker.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/cp1i3bfw8aau7j0\")
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4. Coffee-Mate<\/h2>\n\n
The dark side of the coffee. Let the milk flow through you.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/tlalvon\")
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5. Water<\/h2>\n\n
Fresh H2O from the free-flowing rivers of Tatooine. Make sure to bring a few bottles next time you head out into the desert.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/thmdeqj\")
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6. Grapes<\/h2>\n\n
Tasty, they are. Eat them, you must.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/nml1tgv\")
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7. BBQ Tongs<\/h2>\n\n
Not as clumsy or random as a blaster.\u00a0An elegant utensil for a more civilized age.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/12376158102077114884524114295419857401167692n\")
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8. Balloons<\/h2>\n\n
These are not the discounts you’re looking for. Go about your business.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nsource <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/images.guff.com\/gallery\/image\/kenlop6-2\")
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9. Traffic Sign<\/h2>\n\n
Give yourself to the dark side. It is the only way you can save five minutes on your daily commute.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Just when you thought you were safe, here’s even MORE Star Wars tie-ins that defy belief. \u00a0The movie better be DAMN good after having to put up with this crap… Alright, Disney, we get it: There’s a new Star Wars film\u00a0coming out. Star Wars:The Force Awakensopens in movie\u00a0theaters around the world on Friday, December 18, Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retail-humor"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1483","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1483"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1483\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1484,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1483\/revisions\/1484"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1483"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1483"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1483"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}