{"id":1337,"date":"2015-10-26T07:17:00","date_gmt":"2015-10-26T14:17:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=1337"},"modified":"2015-10-26T07:17:00","modified_gmt":"2015-10-26T14:17:00","slug":"halloween-candy-that-needs-to-be-banned","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=1337","title":{"rendered":"Halloween Candy That Needs to Be Banned"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u00a0 \u00a0Only one more week until the kids come out and collect their bounty. \u00a0Here’s a list from Guff.com of some candy that should never cross your mind to buy when you’re shopping. \u00a0Sadly, we sell # 4, 5, 6,\u00a010 and 11 at CVS in Halloween packaging so there are going to be some kids who go home disappointed. \u00a0 And I disagree with #4, who doesn’t like candy corn? \u00a0That’s un-American. \u00a0Next thing you know they’ll be saying not to buy Peeps for Easter. \u00a0Boo.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a01.Nik L Nips<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Nik L Nips! Because nothing tastes better than Oompa Loompa spit mixed with wax!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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2<\/div>\n

Necco Wafers<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Sure, they may callously shatter your teeth, but for those who truly love the taste of chalk<\/a>, the risk is worth the reward!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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3<\/div>\n

Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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How does Mary Jane make her delightful Peanut Butter Kisses? Well, first, she slaughters a herd of little peanut butter sprites. Then, she melts their souls into a slimy candy. Finally, she gives each individually wrapped candy a kiss.<\/p>\n

Also, Mary Jane is Satan.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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4<\/div>\n

Candy Corn<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Yayyy!!! Earwax!!!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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5<\/div>\n

Bit-O-Honey<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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These Coolidge-era\u00a0candies taste like a “bit-o-ass.”<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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6<\/div>\n

Sugar Daddy<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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What the Sugar Daddy lacks in taste, it more than makes up for in the ability to savagely rip out your fillings.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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7<\/div>\n

Circus Peanuts<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Not a marshmallow, not a taffy, not a peanut…but rather a giant goober sneezed up by some dirty circus carny.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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8<\/div>\n

Homemade Treats<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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You put in a lot of time and effort into making these, they probably taste 10x better than any store bought candy, and guess what? No parent on earth is going to let their kid eat unsealed, homemade candy.<\/p>\n

You’re probably a nice person, but my mom thinks you’re the Unabomber.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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9<\/div>\n

Black Jack Gum<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Do you like gum, but wish it tasted like hungover Sambuca\u00a0burps? Then this is the perfect treat for you!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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10<\/div>\n

Good and Plenty<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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“Good and Plenty<\/em>?” More like “Bad and Now I’m Going to Smash the Jack-O-Lanterns on Your Porch.”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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11<\/div>\n

Raisins<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Mmm, they taste yummy and they are healthy!<\/p>\n

You know what else are healthy? The eggs that I will use to nourish your car.<\/p>\n

Photo courtesy of iStock<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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12<\/div>\n

Apples<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Oh sweet! On a night designated for candy, you’ve just given me my least favorite part of lunch.<\/p>\n

This apple is going through your window, lady.<\/p>\n

Photo courtesy of iStock<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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13<\/div>\n

Pennies<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Only four more houses like this, and I’ll be able to afford my very own Bit-O-Honey! What a thoughtful treat! Also, who hurt you as a child?<\/p>\n

Photo courtesy of iStock<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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14<\/div>\n

Religious Pamphlets<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Religious Pamphlets on Halloween: Responsible for more atheist conversions than Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens and Ricky Gervais combined.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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15<\/div>\n

Floss<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Brought to you by the same sadistic minds that killed Cecil the Lion.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0Only one more week until the kids come out and collect their bounty. \u00a0Here’s a list from Guff.com of some candy that should never cross your mind to buy when you’re shopping. \u00a0Sadly, we sell # 4, 5, 6,\u00a010 and 11 at CVS in Halloween packaging so there are going to be some kids Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1337","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retail-humor","category-retail-trends"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1337","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1337"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1337\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1338,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1337\/revisions\/1338"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1337"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1337"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1337"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}