{"id":2440,"date":"2018-12-19T20:41:34","date_gmt":"2018-12-20T04:41:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=2440"},"modified":"2018-12-19T20:41:34","modified_gmt":"2018-12-20T04:41:34","slug":"toy-fails-that-definitely-ruined-someones-childhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=2440","title":{"rendered":"Toy Fails That Definitely Ruined Someone’s Childhood"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/em>I was straightening the Christmas Toys section in one of the stores I work at today, and noticed there are some “Poo Emoji” toys which are plush toys (and some mugs) which are shaped and look like piles of poop.\u00a0 Guess it would be a great gag gift, but I have to wonder if any parents surprised their kids with a poop plush toy under the Christmas tree this year?<\/p>\n

Then I saw this article on Guff<\/a> and realized that poop plush toys were only the least of my concerns.\u00a0 Check out the list below, I am genuinely astonished that these products not only got past the manufacturing blueprint phase, but also passed quality control and were purchased by stores and put on shelves FOR KIDS TO BUY.\u00a0 And yes, the poop plush toy is one of them.\u00a0 \u00a0Merry Christmas.<\/p>\n

Don’t Remember Seeing Any Of Them In ‘Infinity War’<\/em><\/h2>\n
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The Justice League, X-Men and Fantastic 4 are great superhero teams. But they ain’t the Avengers. If your kid asked for Avengers toys and you came back with this mishmash lineup of “Why are we even here?” heroes, it’s gonna ruin their birthday.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Copyrights And Wrongs<\/em><\/h2>\n
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“Specialman” was actually the alternate working title for the film\u00a0Rain Man. However, producers thought it was in bad taste.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A Knockoff, I Am<\/em><\/h2>\n
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I don’t mean to besmirch\u00a0Star Wars\u00a0on the internet (I don’t want to be bombarded by a bunch of overly emotional nerds). But\u00a0Stars Warsiors\u00a0looks like a superior film in every imaginable category. Especially the “Does the main character look like Ralph Machio?” category.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This Film Also Made Me Cry<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Gotta admit, when I went into\u00a0Space Boys\u00a03\u00a0I didn’t know what I was in for. But the tale of Sheriff Grabby Hands and his intergalactic play things was better than expected. Easily my favorite horror film of the year.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Merry Shitmas<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Note to self: eat too much kale and carry a miniature Santa hat with you wherever you go. It’s an easy life hack to make any toilet interior feel more festive. How is saying “Happy Holidays” a bigger war on Christmas than this?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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You Have The Right To A Safe Word<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Imagine if actual police cuffs looked like this. You’d have folks with bondage kinks jaywalking all day hoping to get detained. Also, good call on that choking warning on the box. You always want to ask first if someone’s into that.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Call Me ‘Daddy Bear’<\/em><\/h2>\n
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I’ve stared at this photo for about an hour, and here’s the nearest I can figure. This is a bear that swallows or spits balls when you cuddle them. I knew you could find that sort of things at bars, but not Walmarts.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Muffle Me Elmo<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This toy is brought to you by the letter “M.” “M” as in murder, muzzling, and mayhem. Isn’t learning fun, kids?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Bender Barbie<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This is what happens when you put the payments on your dream house up your nose. Sure, she seems like she’s having fun now. But wait until you see “Mid-’40s Casino Lounge Lizard Belle.” This is less of a toy and more of a cautionary tale.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Russian Nesting Trap<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Pictured here is my personality. I put on a nice face for the public. But the deeper you dig into my psyche, the more nefarious, unsophisticated, and petty I become.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Never Again<\/em><\/h2>\n
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I’d like to think they didn’t realize what they were doing here. But the fact they included a train certainly doesn’t help their cause. The less said about this fiasco, the better.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Starpants?<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Pop quiz: What shape is SpongeBob Squarepants? I’ll give you a hint… it’s literally in his name. If you didn’t figure it out, don’t worry. It’s not like you have to make a toy of him or anything.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Can He Swing From A Butt Thread?<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This seems like poor design. But in fact, this is genius. The person who made this decision obviously wanted to show how Spider-Man would operate if web came out of him where it does on all other spiders.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Holy 2nd Amendment, Batman<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This is absurd for obvious reasons. I mean…\u00a0everyone\u00a0knows Batman despises guns because they took his parents’ lives. So to literally turn him into one? How disrespectful.<\/em><\/p>\n

Also, the trigger is where his wiener should be.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Bae Max<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Well, that depends on who you ask? For instance, if you ask the balloon, I’m sure that’d be his first choice for where you could blow. This is why you should never make robot balloons sentient.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The Dynamic, Problematic Duo<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Closing your eyes doesn’t make this any less weird, Batman. I know Robin is at that tender age where he’s starting to wonder about these things. But you don’t have to physically show him how to do it, you creep.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My Not-So-Little Pony<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This toy company gets it. When little girls say they want a pony, it’s not because they’re beautiful creatures with pretty hair and you can ride them. It’s because of their… well, you can see.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Surprise Present<\/em><\/h2>\n
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“No, I didn’t get\u00a0you\u00a0a pony. I got\u00a0us\u00a0a pony. Now stroke it’s hair, would you? The more you can distract it to keep them from kicking, the better.”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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They Don’t Just Hunt In Packs<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Ah, so this is the real reason dinosaurs went extinct. It wasn’t because of a meteor or an ice age. It’s because they were all a bunch of degenerates and were judged by their cruel dino deity.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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High-ceratops<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Or maybe\u00a0this\u00a0is why the dinosaurs are no more. They all quit their jobs and started following the band Phish around. That’s no way to keep the species chugging along.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Dora The Buffet Explorer<\/em><\/h2>\n
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“Swiper, no swiping! Those are my pudding cups. Don’t make me roll after you now.”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Hundred Acre Nightmare Woods<\/em><\/h2>\n
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That BDSM bear from earlier seems so much more child-friendly all of a sudden, doesn’t it? If Winnie The Pooh looked like this, Christopher Robin would be in rehab right now.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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E.T. Phone His Booty Call<\/em><\/h2>\n
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So you’re telling me if you touch me with that thing it’ll make me feel better? Yeah, I don’t think so, pal. I try the same thing on my girlfriend all the time.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Squirt<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Nothing coming out of an object that shape should be so doughy. If it is, seek medical attention immediately. Also, it’s not for kids (even though it sort of used to\u00a0be\u00a0kids).<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Why Bother?<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Do you think your child doesn’t have enough trauma in their lives? Then get them a stuffed animal that won’t cheer up no matter how much they hug it. That oughtta give them unending intimacy issues.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The Sorceror’s Stoned<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This is the worst knockoff product I’ve seen yet.<\/em><\/p>\n

*squints*<\/em><\/p>\n

Wait… this is official merchandise? Go home, J.K. Rowling. You’re drunk.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Just Keep Sinking<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Whatever Specialman has is apparently contagious. Hopefully it’s not airborne. Then again, if it’s not, that means this fish might have contracted it sexually. Yeah… let’s just hope it’s airborne.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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He’s Finally Gone Senile<\/em><\/h2>\n
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Oh dear lord, it’s spreading. Wise Puppet from\u00a0Stars Warsiors\u00a0wouldn’t have fallen prey to this dummy disease. Just another reason it’s superior to the brand it’s knocking off.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The Nose Never Bothered Me Anyway<\/em><\/h2>\n
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This toy(?) is doing a great service to young girls. It lets them know that the beautiful princesses they look up to aren’t naturally beautiful, but had some work done. Plastic surgery… a great message to send to the children.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Her Old Nose Returns At Midnight<\/em><\/h2>\n
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See, even Cinderella had rhinoplasty. It was a tough procedure. Have you ever tried performing surgery on someone while a bunch of woodland animals were singing around you?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Media Source\u00a0<\/em><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0I was straightening the Christmas Toys section in one of the stores I work at today, and noticed there are some “Poo Emoji” toys which are plush toys (and some mugs) which are shaped and look like piles of poop.\u00a0 Guess it would be a great gag gift, but I have to wonder if Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2440","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retail-humor"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2440","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2440"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2440\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2448,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2440\/revisions\/2448"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2440"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2440"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2440"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}