{"id":2030,"date":"2016-08-05T08:31:31","date_gmt":"2016-08-05T15:31:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=2030"},"modified":"2016-08-05T08:31:31","modified_gmt":"2016-08-05T15:31:31","slug":"you-had-one-job-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/?p=2030","title":{"rendered":"You Had One Job…"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u00a0 More classics found in retail stores. \u00a0 I’m pretty sure the answer to #10 is “Anywhere in Downtown Los Angeles.” \u00a0And as for #15, if I’m working in that store, I’m demanding overtime for working more than 6 days in a week.<\/p>\n

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It Floats Just Like The Titanic<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Too soon? Only people with a sick sense of humor will find that funny.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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2<\/div>\n

No, You Think This Is Funny<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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While most people don’t need the items on the right to *perform* the action on the left, some do. Some very protective people.<\/p>\n

I’m talking about oral sex.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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3<\/div>\n

What’s Good, Ken?<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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God knows that you can lose sexual attraction after being with the same person for over 43 years<\/a>. But beastiality? Come on, Ken. I thought you were better than that.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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4<\/div>\n

So What Exactly Are These?<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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This isn’t wine. It’s red, grapeless bitter water. Duh.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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5<\/div>\n

Sometimes This Is Appropriate<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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In the most very rare circumstances, this is the card you go with. Some people are assholes, yo.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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6<\/div>\n

What Kind Of Picnic Are You Trying To Have?<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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When I have a picnic, I pack sandwiches, watermelon and lemonade. But you do you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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7<\/div>\n

Nope<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Nice try, but you’re not even close. I guess these both could technically be summer foods, but that’s all I’m gonna give you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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8<\/div>\n

When Life Gives You Lemons…<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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You know that age-old saying, “When life gives you lemons, f**k everything and make orange juice”?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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9<\/div>\n

Happy Mother’s Day<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Now clean my toilet.<\/p>\n

That’s got a good ring to it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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10<\/div>\n

Where The Hell Are You Going To School?<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Is this the state our schools are in? You need to bring a knife just to get through homeroom? Not my America.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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11<\/div>\n

More Like Sad Valentine’s Day<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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You might be sad if you’re not in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. But you definitely don’t need to f**k yourself with a cucumber to be happy either.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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12<\/div>\n

No, Duh<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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I wonder what else this grocery store sells? Products that contain fruit? Products that contain eggs? When will the madness stop?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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13<\/div>\n

Cats Are Bulls**t<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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This is such a typical cat move. Cats are bullshit.<\/p>\n

Shots. Fired.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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14<\/div>\n

They Grow Up So Fast<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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One minute they’re learning their ABCs. The next they’re ordering their whiskey neat. So adorable.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

source <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n
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15<\/div>\n

Strange Times We’re Living In<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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Some people walk to the beat of their own drum. Some stores march to the beat of insanity. Strange times.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 More classics found in retail stores. \u00a0 I’m pretty sure the answer to #10 is “Anywhere in Downtown Los Angeles.” \u00a0And as for #15, if I’m working in that store, I’m demanding overtime for working more than 6 days in a week. It Floats Just Like The Titanic Too soon? Only people with a Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2030","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retail-humor"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2030","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2030"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2030\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2033,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2030\/revisions\/2033"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2030"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2030"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/re-tales.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2030"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}